Independence Day -Day 4

I don’t want to blame, belittle or patronise my husband with respect to why he has acted in the way he has. But, I honestly believe he’s going through a mid-life crisis, though I’m not exonerating myself from any blame here. Let me share with you why I’ve come to this conclusion.

My husband, up until very recently, despised social media, he didn’t understand the purpose, relevance or reason as to their existence. He made it clear that neither I nor my children were to upload any pictures onto our accounts of him. Yet he now has a FB account himself! Another neon sign screaming and pointing towards a mid-life crisis is how much he’s spending on clothes, when prior to this he would barely spend £20 on shoes, there’s this stuff he’s started putting on his nails, some anti-nail biting thing, a sports motorbike he likes….

I can’t blame him really, it’s not a great feeling getting old, becoming wrinkly, grey, and invisible. You desperately try to hang onto the younger you, go out all night, no hangover, straight into work and then same again the following night, able to just get up and go for a run and climb a mountain. But now the reality is you’re shattered by the time you finish work, can’t wait to go to bed early, happy to sit on the sofa with a Horlicks and it takes days to get over and straighten up after a gym session! We’d all like to put the brakes on in life, but we can’t, we have to get on with it, and in my opinion, it’s these poignant stages of life where you get to see the true person.

So, please tell me whilst you’re off reliving your youth and seeking some kind of ego boosting ‘trip’, what do I do with the life you’re walking away from, with the children we have, and everything you’re giving up? It appears I got to see the true you.

Keep smiling, I guess.

Independence Day! Day 3

As I’ve said in my previous blogs, I have no idea as to the purpose of writing a blog, I had hoped they’d be of some help to me in the first instance, maybe selfishly but as yet, no change. However, I never thought it would lead me to question the mentality of man, well, just one.

By now, you’ll be aware that the one statement I keep harping back to is ‘I don’t know what I want’, said by my husband.  Before leaving, my husband had tried to discuss with me, via text, issues within our marriage, I can’t remember exactly, but I do remember vividly he ended that text with ‘what do you want for dinner, I’m cooking’. Herein lies why I question the mentality of [this] man. I know I can branch off and ponder why he text, but I’m not sure if I could find my way back, or if I have enough room in this blog to do so, so I’ll let that go.

Is that a normal text, discussing the end of a marriage and finishing it with a question about food, something, in my opinion, as a nonentity.  But is this one of those woman v man differences? I guess it’s not important in the grand scheme of things right now, but it just crossed my mind.

I need to be honest, so look away now if you’re offended by bad language, it’s been 5 days since he left, and I feel like I’m stuck in a stagnant pond of piss. I’m sorry. My mind goes from feeling totally sorry for myself to thinking about joining online dating sites, from crying to feeling relieved; I’ve chosen a new surname, changed my dogs food to the cheap stuff, more than halved my food bill and reverted to shop bought hair dyes as opposed to salon appointments. You can safely say my head is all over the place. Any idea when when normality comes knocking on my door asking to return to its natural place of residence?

Keep smiling.

 

Independence Day – day 2

Why is it that people rub your faces in their happiness? Last night the neighbours decided to play happy families and they made sure we heard.  I mean how dare they laugh, joke, chat, eat and drink together.  How dare they talk about their future, I know it was only about what they were doing the following week, but still, at least they had one. Because of this gaiety I decided to shut the back door, I’d heard enough, but one of my dogs was in the garden, sitting and watching them, or admiring them, whichever. No amount of me on my knees, beckoning her using mime, my fists and pursed lips was getting her in. Luckily my son was on hand, shaking his head walking past me got her in and shut the door.

I told you in my previous blog, I should have guessed this was coming. There was a particular incident when, now thinking about it, was a huge hint to the state of our marriage. By defining the particular incident would identify who we were, at least to those who know us.  Needless to say he hadn’t told me the truth. We just lost respect for each other, and by doing so, lost a lot more. Respect encompasses kindness, admiration, amongst some, so losing sight of that can be devastating.

I’m not blaming him entirely for where we are, as much as it appears I might be. I’m definitely not blaming myself entirely either. Neither of us have had role models that we can learn from, or go to, or be inspired by or grab hope from. However, running away and not talking, even I know isn’t the answer. The reason he’s given for this is that we’ll rip each other apart. But I only have one question, and that’s ‘why?’. He’s told me he doesn’t know, luckily the words ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ didn’t follow, otherwise his fears would have been realised!

So here I am in a continued state of absurdity, talking to myself and trying to make sense of a senseless situation, it’s just a different day. Time marches on, as does life, dogs still need walking and I still need to work, more so now than I ever I guess.

Keep smiling.

 

 

Independence Day!

So here we are, I’m close to fifty, I have a husband, 3 adult children (2 still living at home), 2 dogs, a grand child, 2 cars, mine and his, we both work, we both have friends.  We wash our cars, though I cheat and take mine to the guys in the supermarket car park, sorry!  I generally do the housework, he will go food shopping and mow the lawn. We have a holiday most years, we make sure the kids have what they need. He walked the dogs in the morning, I walked them in the evening, we talked very little, we watch TV in separate rooms, so I think you may well guess where I’m going with this blog.

Obviously it couldn’t go on like that, but instead of going from a to b to c, my husband went from a straight to z, directly to the end.  I guess we both saw what was coming, but didn’t do anything about it.  That’s in no way to blame him, but it would have been good to at least see if anything could be salvaged.  We’ve been here before, twice actually, so he likes to make a statement and be heard! My suggestion Sir would be just to say it as it is, saves a build up of any negative emotion, but then who am I.

We’ve married in excess of 20 years, my daughter was bridesmaid, and I was pregnant walking up the aisle, we kept that minor fact from the vicar as I felt judged enough, so sorry vicar! We had no money, but we didn’t care, we were madly in love.  It was a great day and we got on with our life.  We lived abroad until the mid 1990’s before returning to live in England, 3 kids in tow.  From here on in it became difficult. We chose to educate our children privately as opposed to buying our own house, something we both agreed on and wanted.

On this hot Saturday afternoon as I watch ‘Rosemary and Thyme’ feeling particularly sorry for myself, with glasses to hand, lucozade, feeling every inch of my age, like no-one else has ever been through this, desperately needing a shower and to man up, my husband lives elsewhere. He told me he didn’t know what he wanted. Despite me humiliating myself by telling him how I felt and what I wanted, he couldn’t even look at me, or reply, hence I asked him to leave.  If I’m honest, I didn’t know if I actually meant it, but it came out my mouth from absolutely nowhere, so maybe I did.

So my husband doesn’t know what he wants, he’s now thinking about that very powerful, jaw dropping statement (obviously in my opinion) in between golf, curry nights and running! Whereas I am torn apart trying to work it out in my own head, still doing housework, walking the dogs (in the flaming morning as well), sorting the children, dealing with bills, blah de blah.

Of course I love him, but I also want to tear his head off and make him sit down and talk. I want punch him then hold him, I want him to suffer just like I’m suffering because I truly believe he has no idea ‘the grass aint greener dude.’ He has no idea what life is really like outside the confines of his job, a job that offers him help, a roof over his head, meals, ablutions, cleaning, something he’s had for the last year whilst he’s been away.

I feel like I’m slowly going mad, getting swallowed up by the insanity of life.  I feel like people judge me because they see a person losing their grip on reality through madness and instability, like they see a weak blubbering mess.  My children, along with my husband I guess, have no idea of the enormity of the statement he made and its effect on me. Neither them or the persons I have come into contact with in the days following my husbands departure, have seen what precipitated my behaviour.  They have no idea of the frozen state of absurdity I’ve been forced to endure. So to those people I apologise, which includes the Barista at Costa Coffee, the dental receptionist I tried making an appointment with, and the check out assistant at Sainsburys, I’m so sorry.

I know that this will get better, all the cliches say so, but cliches don’t help the here and now. In fact, nothing that anyone says will make the hurt go away or help me grasp and decipher what the ‘heck’ is going on. I’m left on my own to work that little puzzle out.

I like to think this blog has a purpose, maybe to make me feel better, but as yet, it doesn’t appear to have. But what I like to make you think about is other people. Since my life has slowed right down, I’ve had time to look around me, look at faces, look at people, and everyone is how I used to be, running around like ants, stepping over each other, no eye contact, no communication. So look around, look at faces, take stock, don’t judge, just smile.

Keep smiling.