So what next? My poor husband doesn’t know whether he wants to be married anymore. 5 weeks and 3 days down the line I’m still none the wiser as to why. The delicate little flower must be in turmoil, he has a roof over his head that he didn’t have to fight for, he has 3 meals as well as brunch and afternoon tea, sounds horrific I know, there’s no bills, no kids, no dogs, his room is cleaned for him, and I guess his backside is wiped. He simply walked out because life got tough! As I’ve mentioned, this is the 3rd time, defining the man he really is.

I’m honestly really trying to understand, and empathise, why he behaves as cold as he does, I don’t think he is being malicious, probably more thoughtless. But why? Is it because he doesn’t actually love me or even want to be married, did he want a wife who simply said ‘yes sir, no sir‘, I just don’t know.  Without him telling me anything, and he didn’t, how would I know.

Looking back, and believe me I’ve had many hours to reflect, he’s always been aloof and withdrawn, and as a result, life has required me to be strong and deal with it as if I were a single parent or lived alone. Not just because he spent a lot of time away, but because even when he was at home, work, golf, or football came first over family, every single time. And one example I can give you is the 7/11 bombings. My mother was in London on that fateful day and we were at work. A friend had told me ‘something had kicked off in London, bombings or something’. My heart stopped, I had just dropped my mother at the central station to catch a  train heading into London, straight into the carnage. I had tried getting hold of her for several minutes, though it felt like hours, before finally getting through. She was in a state, she didn’t know which way to head and how to get away, I could hear the panic in the background from the other commuters, but I just couldn’t do anything, it was one of the most helpless moments I’ve ever been through. It was such a difficult call to have, but I begged her to walk away from the centre of London and head towards the M4, don’t get on any bus, train or tube, just walk and follow the M4 signs, I’ll find you.

I didn’t know where I would pick her up and had absolutely no idea how to find her, that was my problem but it gave her a focus. I then called my husband who said he’d just started a new job and couldn’t get away, after all she was fine, things were fine, there would be no more bombings. ‘How the hell do you know, really, how?’ That’s how that ended, I went into London, can’t remember what junction, but as I came off and down the slip road onto a roundabout, the roads were blocked by police, stopping all vehicles from heading into London, there were people everywhere, on phones, crying, shouting, pleading, it was horrendous, and as I called my mum there she was with her suitcase, upset, but I couldn’t believe I’d actually found her.

As the reader, do you know how poor that sounds, have you any idea how awful hearing those words from your own husbands mouth make you feel? Even if you do have empathetic capacity, let me tell you anyway, it was painful, made all the more painful when my boss insisted on driving me! This was my mother, my boss could hear, see and identify the turmoil I was going through and faced with. Yet the man I loved, shared my life with and more than anything in the world trusted, treated me with absolute abandonment, let alone treating my mother with no regard.

A further example that stands out was when my dog was put to sleep. The whole family were there, later that evening he had a function to go to, and my husband actually went! Myself and the kids were together, upset, but helping each other through it, and find it unbelievable that he went out, and then even stayed over. I have broached him about this, only to be told that it’s my fault, I didn’t ask him not to go out! That is the theme throughout our marriage. In fact I do recall him being annoyed with me for not calling him when he was away. When I responded, you didn’t give me a phone number, because (1) you can only get internet in your room, (2) there is a time difference and (3) it would be easier for him to call me as a result of the first 2 (end quote), he responded by telling me “well you could’ve what’s-app’d me to call you” He will always have an answer and I will always be wrong and at fault.

However, the day I realised there was no going back from this 3rd split was the day I went into hospital. I know we’ve separated, but if the tables were reversed, not in a million years would I have left my children to organise the logistics of getting him to and from the hospital, I would have been there no matter what. But that’s exactly what he did. He left the kids to organise the logistics of getting me to and from hospital, of being my next of kin and of ringing the ward to see how the operation went. Quite honestly, how he has behaved has made me so embarrassed, humiliated and ashamed of him. I know my kids are adults, but it’s bad enough relying on anyone for help in this situation, let alone relying on your own children to see you in such a needy, pathetic state. I’ll never forgive him for that.

His behaviour has been the catalyst in examining my marriage, it has allowed me to use it as tool in deciding the path to take that best suits my children and I, and has been the deciding strand in determining my well being.

Keep smiling.

 

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