I’m aware that I’m not the most tactile person, that my heart may contain traces of stone and that the harder someone falls the more I laugh, but even in my stratospheric regions of cognitive awareness, what I’m about to blog is at the very least, odd. On Day 11, I told you about my husband not wanting to visit his own son in hospital until I sent him a rather angry text, please note, I do regret the content, tone and language used, but felt it necessary to get my point over! But when my sons reversing light failed to work, he popped right over with the part. Where’s the sense? Unless I have taken some stupid pills, and am missing something?
I feel, at times, my blog is a by product of that book titled ‘Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus’. I just keep describing how a woman thinks compared to the oddball thoughts of a man! My reactions are that of an emotional, middle aged, menopausal woman, whilst my husband is practical, rational and sensible, not at all patronising!
Maybe my reaction to being dumped and my operation, entwined with that of our son being rushed into hospital were factors beyond the control of my husband, as such, he failed to acknowledge the situation. This made/make him cold, heartless and mean-spirited. Whereas fixing a reversing light is something he can fix, he can go and physically get a part and conclude the matter with a positive outcome. Alternatively, he could genuinely not give a toss. I really don’t know.
Whilst visiting our sons, I could see in my husbands face he was sad, that something was upsetting him, but he was here to see his sons, so I made myself scarce and left them to get on with it. Later, after he left, I received a text from him, “you seem to have everyone around you and lots of support, I have not heard from no-one…“, “seems like you have it all worked out, I’m not feeling the same. Guess I’ll have to try harder then. Guess me talking to people has been a waste” And “…don’t worry about me, you are right I created this mess so have to deal with it“. Apart from it not reading grammatically correct, annoying in itself, the content infuriated me! For crying out loud, from day 1, oh great one, I told you this is not what I wanted, let’s talk. From day 1, oh great one, this is of your own doing, let’s talk. From day 1, oh great one, you so desperately wanted this, let’s talk. From day 1, oh great one, I tried telling you how deep and hurtful this would be to not only us, but to the kids and wider family, let’s talk. From day one, oh great one, I told you don’t do this again, please. But you did, you didn’t talk, explain or give me a reason for not wanting to be married, you needed to escape, run away, bolt. And that’s exactly what you did, leaving me with the aftermath.
Now it appears you want me to deal with your emotions as well, again, odd. I really don’t understand, as I’ve said, you wanted this, so you would have known long before letting me in on this what was going to happen, affording you time to prepare and manage yourself. All I can say is, what’s happened? What’s changed in the weeks since you’ve left? Surely you aren’t regretting your decision, you were so sure, so callous, so methodical and so very disciplined at dumping me?
Well, what I can say is that you go through emotional stages and you have no choice but to let it happen, your mental state will not allow you to skip a stage. I know this because I tried bartering with my mental state, promised I wouldn’t cry if I could just go back to being my hard old self, therefore not putting my mind through the stress of being soft, weak and feeble. Result for my mind, I thought! However, it didn’t happen, my stupid mind made me see the stupid process out! Anyway, you’re at the self-absorption, self-indulgence stage, and I can guarantee you can’t rush this stage. I spent a whole weekend on an air bed in the sitting room in front of the TV. When I got up my legs couldn’t support my body weight! As much as it pains me to quote a cliche, time is a great healer, and as much as it pains me to give you helpful advice, you will get through it, you will become stronger and you will move on.