As I have already noted, myself and my husband have struggled for years. I’m not sure what it was that drew us together, but we weren’t quite matched and the longer we were married the more these things became an issue. The fact he went away as part of his job was more of a relief, probably for both of us. That paints a particularly bleak picture, we did have great times, many of them.

The arguing became part of us, we both became defensive, him with never being at fault and me with the constant guilt that we we’re tearing each other apart in front of the children. As a result, he has walked out twice.  (Three times now).

I think I understand why we are where we are.  I was always prepared to talk about our issues, discuss them and try to work out where and what to do about our future.  But he wasn’t, he would never discuss anything and refused to go back and re-visit any issues. How can I compete with that, how can I make things better faced with that? As a result, deep down I knew at some stage we would reach the end.

Again, I’m not blaming him entirely, though how can you force someone to talk. He is a good man, a good father and a good friend. But he made me feel not quite as clever as he was, not quite as important as he felt he was and never, in my mind, treated with me the respect I felt I deserved.  He has told me he loves me, but my gut feeling finished that sentence with’…but I’m not in love with you‘. In my opinion that is a spineless attempt at ending a relationship/marriage. That’s one sentence liable to spiral me into a spat of insanity, it’s the cruelest, most feeble, and gutless statement anyone could ever say to another person.

Why is there a need to pinpoint blame on anyone, who wants to argue anyway? I can’t always control life, so it’s not my fault that you’re dealt a rough hand, or that the kids refuse to listen, or even that your work day goes wrong. I don’t deserve your disdain, I deserve your respect.

This blog isn’t about ‘dissing’ my husband, I’m not doing this to score points (though I’m not going to lie, it’s damn difficult!), I’m doing this to make sense of my situation, so I to understand my future I need to make sense of my past.

Keep smiling.

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