Why is it that people rub your faces in their happiness? Last night the neighbours decided to play happy families and they made sure we heard. I mean how dare they laugh, joke, chat, eat and drink together. How dare they talk about their future, I know it was only about what they were doing the following week, but still, at least they had one. Because of this gaiety I decided to shut the back door, I’d heard enough, but one of my dogs was in the garden, sitting and watching them, or admiring them, whichever. No amount of me on my knees, beckoning her using mime, my fists and pursed lips was getting her in. Luckily my son was on hand, shaking his head walking past me got her in and shut the door.
I told you in my previous blog, I should have guessed this was coming. There was a particular incident when, now thinking about it, was a huge hint to the state of our marriage. By defining the particular incident would identify who we were, at least to those who know us. Needless to say he hadn’t told me the truth. We just lost respect for each other, and by doing so, lost a lot more. Respect encompasses kindness, admiration, amongst some, so losing sight of that can be devastating.
I’m not blaming him entirely for where we are, as much as it appears I might be. I’m definitely not blaming myself entirely either. Neither of us have had role models that we can learn from, or go to, or be inspired by or grab hope from. However, running away and not talking, even I know isn’t the answer. The reason he’s given for this is that we’ll rip each other apart. But I only have one question, and that’s ‘why?’. He’s told me he doesn’t know, luckily the words ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ didn’t follow, otherwise his fears would have been realised!
So here I am in a continued state of absurdity, talking to myself and trying to make sense of a senseless situation, it’s just a different day. Time marches on, as does life, dogs still need walking and I still need to work, more so now than I ever I guess.