So here we are, I’m close to fifty, I have a husband, 3 adult children (2 still living at home), 2 dogs, a grand child, 2 cars, mine and his, we both work, we both have friends.  We wash our cars, though I cheat and take mine to the guys in the supermarket car park, sorry!  I generally do the housework, he will go food shopping and mow the lawn. We have a holiday most years, we make sure the kids have what they need. He walked the dogs in the morning, I walked them in the evening, we talked very little, we watch TV in separate rooms, so I think you may well guess where I’m going with this blog.

Obviously it couldn’t go on like that, but instead of going from a to b to c, my husband went from a straight to z, directly to the end.  I guess we both saw what was coming, but didn’t do anything about it.  That’s in no way to blame him, but it would have been good to at least see if anything could be salvaged.  We’ve been here before, twice actually, so he likes to make a statement and be heard! My suggestion Sir would be just to say it as it is, saves a build up of any negative emotion, but then who am I.

We’ve married in excess of 20 years, my daughter was bridesmaid, and I was pregnant walking up the aisle, we kept that minor fact from the vicar as I felt judged enough, so sorry vicar! We had no money, but we didn’t care, we were madly in love.  It was a great day and we got on with our life.  We lived abroad until the mid 1990’s before returning to live in England, 3 kids in tow.  From here on in it became difficult. We chose to educate our children privately as opposed to buying our own house, something we both agreed on and wanted.

On this hot Saturday afternoon as I watch ‘Rosemary and Thyme’ feeling particularly sorry for myself, with glasses to hand, lucozade, feeling every inch of my age, like no-one else has ever been through this, desperately needing a shower and to man up, my husband lives elsewhere. He told me he didn’t know what he wanted. Despite me humiliating myself by telling him how I felt and what I wanted, he couldn’t even look at me, or reply, hence I asked him to leave.  If I’m honest, I didn’t know if I actually meant it, but it came out my mouth from absolutely nowhere, so maybe I did.

So my husband doesn’t know what he wants, he’s now thinking about that very powerful, jaw dropping statement (obviously in my opinion) in between golf, curry nights and running! Whereas I am torn apart trying to work it out in my own head, still doing housework, walking the dogs (in the flaming morning as well), sorting the children, dealing with bills, blah de blah.

Of course I love him, but I also want to tear his head off and make him sit down and talk. I want punch him then hold him, I want him to suffer just like I’m suffering because I truly believe he has no idea ‘the grass aint greener dude.’ He has no idea what life is really like outside the confines of his job, a job that offers him help, a roof over his head, meals, ablutions, cleaning, something he’s had for the last year whilst he’s been away.

I feel like I’m slowly going mad, getting swallowed up by the insanity of life.  I feel like people judge me because they see a person losing their grip on reality through madness and instability, like they see a weak blubbering mess.  My children, along with my husband I guess, have no idea of the enormity of the statement he made and its effect on me. Neither them or the persons I have come into contact with in the days following my husbands departure, have seen what precipitated my behaviour.  They have no idea of the frozen state of absurdity I’ve been forced to endure. So to those people I apologise, which includes the Barista at Costa Coffee, the dental receptionist I tried making an appointment with, and the check out assistant at Sainsburys, I’m so sorry.

I know that this will get better, all the cliches say so, but cliches don’t help the here and now. In fact, nothing that anyone says will make the hurt go away or help me grasp and decipher what the ‘heck’ is going on. I’m left on my own to work that little puzzle out.

I like to think this blog has a purpose, maybe to make me feel better, but as yet, it doesn’t appear to have. But what I like to make you think about is other people. Since my life has slowed right down, I’ve had time to look around me, look at faces, look at people, and everyone is how I used to be, running around like ants, stepping over each other, no eye contact, no communication. So look around, look at faces, take stock, don’t judge, just smile.

Keep smiling.

 

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